Memoirs of A Homeless Woman: Getting Through the Holidays

Homelessness doesn’t just affect the people it’s happening to.

I had started writing a blog entry on Thanksgiving Day about how I was feeling, the family turmoil that had ensued since I started living in my car, and the separation of the family state that occurred that day. I couldn’t finish it. I cried so hard I couldn’t see well enough to finish it. I get very emotionally charged, so even after I finally finished crying, writing about it made me writhe inside with feelings of guilt and shame. My kids are embarrassed by the fact that their mother is homeless. Their attitude and behavior towards me that day showed it. Well, I suppose I should insert here that this isn’t an out-of-the-blue thing. They’ve had a lot of resentment towards me for a long time from some past family turbulence that has built over time, but that’s not a story that I can muster to tell you about right now. I can say that having all of them together in one house (except for my youngest daughter) turned out to be quite the challenge for me to keep it together.

Who wants to admit to the fact that their mother is homeless? It is embarrassing, given the negativity that comes along in any conversation about the homeless population. I certainly would not. Hell, I am a homeless person, and I have a hard time being open about it, but I know I have to be. I need to be that rogue voice that speaks out about what is happening, not what the media leads everyone to believe. That is not my kid’s responsibility. They didn’t ask to be a part of my decision to speak up while I was going through this. It was my poor choice not to discuss my decision with them first. It was irresponsible of me not to talk to them and get feedback on how it might affect them in the long run. I unconsciously think my little world is so tiny that no one reads my blog. I guess I assume that the people who do read it don’t know my kids and that they are immune to the going on in my life. I am wrong. People do read my blog. People who are my friends and their kids read my blog. I’m trying to find a way to get some good out of a bad situation, and it’s backfiring on me because it’s hurting my kids. I’ve been so busy just trying to survive mentally, physically, and emotionally while being homeless that I have not one time stepped outside of myself to think about how it could affect them. It has finally culminated through the holidays arriving.

I’ll never understand how people can let this go on for so long. It’s not a choice for a lot of us. The point that the homeless population is at the root of blame is a belief that I challenge. I’ve mentioned before that I only get a little over a thousand dollars a month for my disability benefits, and even with the whopping 3.2% COLA (cost of living addition), we all received, I still don’t even come close to the amount of money that it takes to pay the rents around here. The government knows this. It’s blatant. It is in our face. It is a problem that is out of control, yet the most apparent cause does not have the level of attention it needs. It took a pandemic that rocked the world before the issue of outrageous rent prices became a subject of discussion. I honestly don’t even have the energy to get into the politics of it anymore, either. It is just so exhausting to just barely be able to scrape by and care for myself in some manner that helps me stay sane. It’s a severe mental health thing that I fight every day. Therapy, psyche meds, exercise, writing; none of it is working.

I decided to go back to school. Ihave to be doung something productive to move me toward a different space. I created a GoFundMe page for help getting a new laptop because my computer is slow and archaic. Only one person donated, yet it got 147 views. Is it because I am homeless? Is it because people do not have the extra money to help someone else right now? Or is it because people have become so jaded that they no longer care? I do not know, but it breaks my heart no matter what the reason. We are a community, a social species, one that is meant to rely on one another in so many ways, but we do not. It is a society of people in the grand scheme of things that now step on others’ backs to get to the top. We have returned to a form of primal instinct with a modern-day twist.

My kids don’t look at my situation and think “well at least my mom is doing something that is going to move her forward.” No what they know is that the general public looks sourly on the homeless and they are not going to be able to get past the general public’s opinions because at their ages they’re not equipped to deal with that yet. So for now, I’ll let them be. I’ll be there in the event that they need me because that what I do, I’m mom. However, until I can figure out how to get myself out of this situation, my kids will have no reason to worry about me being where I am at. If you know me or my kids and you are reading this can you please tread lightly on this subject. It hurts them. They know they are powerless in which to help me, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to hide because their mother can’t get out of this hole.